“Sit up straight, Shoulders back, Chin up”. These are all things I’m sure everyone has heard at some point in their lives. The benefits to good posture are numerous. Good posture reduces back pain as well as preventing fatigue and arthritis. It is also widely believed that proper posture is beneficial to brain function. These are all solid reasons to straighten up, but the best reason of all I think is that you’ll get better presents when Christmas time comes. How you might ask, let me explain….
If you know me personally it won’t surprise you to hear that as a child I was what nice people would consider as husky (that same thing could be said for me as a baby, teenager going through puberty, man about town in his twenties and so on). Body image was always something that bothered me. As an adult I’ve come to grips with it and am cool with my sexy rolls and folds, but as a youngster it was a constant source of embarrassment and anxiety. Because of this I became some what of a chameleon when if came to fading into the background and going unnoticed. One classic move is to grab a couch cushion every time you sit down and put it in your lap. This really helps to hide the “smushing” affect that takes place when you take a seat. Another thing I did was to slump the ol’ shoulders all the time. Gave me the worst posture but the technique really helps provide extra fabric to the front portion of the silk shirts my mother would always dress me in. This would eliminate the “tight fit” look and provided some much needed relief to the buttons who were hard at work trying to hold the whole operation together. Because of these ninja like tricks no one really knew how to Christmas shop for me as it related to buying clothes. God bless my family as most of them just took a shot in the dark and guessed what size I was resulting in clothes that ranged from Medium to XXL, pants that would fit a 6-4 man and some dress shirts with sleeves that would go just past my elbow. I became pretty proficient at smiling really big and saying thank you while on the inside I knew that within a few weeks this particular item of clothing would be dusting the coffee table and smelling from pledge.
The only person who always got it right, always seemed to know what to get me……was my grandmother. She never let me slouch. She was always telling me to straighten up and if I didn’t I would get a pinch behind the arm that would make the burliest of men cry uncle. She also had an advantage because she was the family seamstress. All the ill fitting clothes that I would get for my birthday she would have to fix, giving her a good idea of what I needed and in what size. Regardless of what I looked like or what size I was she always made sure to tell me how handsome I was and made a big deal of how good I looked. She was always my biggest fan. Needless to say every seamstress I’ve seen since her has paled in comparison and hasn’t made me feel as good about myself as she did.
She always got me the coolest clothes too. Because she worked at The Bay she would always ask the younger females she worked with what was cool for boys my age. During my Vanilla Ice phase she was the only one able to find the pleated pants that were wide at the top and narrow at the bottom.
While I’m currently in the market for a girlfriend/ partner/soul mate/ cuddle buddy/ Burt to my Ernie, I must say that I’m really enjoying some of the aspects of being a 30 something bachelor. I get to chose whether the toilet paper gets hung in the over or under position and not having my decision making process analyzed, questioned and dissected is sort of awesome. Only me and the most opulent of sheikhs know the satisfaction that comes from eating a hot pocket in bed undisturbed. But the best part of my singledom has to be not having to account for my whereabouts. If I want to go to the movies and see three pictures in a row I can. If I want to spend ten hours playing the penny slots at the casino I can. If I want to spend my weekend learning to ride a unicycle and feeding ducks Chef-boy-R-dee in the park I can, I shouldn’t but I can. Take this past weekend for instance. I was lucky enough to be invited to my cousin’s house for supper with him and his family. This type of engagement is usually a 3-4 hour commitment but it ended up being much longer, in a good way. As it turns out I’m pretty popular with those who don’t need a second hand to count their age on their fingers. More specifically my cousin’s 2 boys Milo and Bentley, 4 and 2 years old respectively.
After a riveting game of ”Here are a bunch of my trucks that I don’t want you to touch” Milo asked me ” You’re gonna sleep over right?” At first I thought to my self “I’m too old for a kids sleep over”. But then after some thinking and soul searching I said “hell yeah I’m down with a sleep over!” It’s not like someone else will be wondering where I am and hanging out with two kids that think I’m cool beats crying in the dark listening to Sinead O’connor’s greatest hits any day of the week. After Milo was able to confirm that he did in fact have two pillows so we wouldn’t have to share I was all in. After supper I read Milo a very long book about Wolves while Bentley played motocross on my Iphone. Milo had a million questions about wolves that I answered to the best of my ability. I apologize in advance to the 3rd grade teacher who will someday read his project on wolves and scratch her head wondering why Milo thinks wolves have sharp teeth because their toothbrushes are made from rocks and twigs.
In the morning I though I’d grab some quick breakfast and head home. As it turns out I was still kind of cool in the morning and Milo wanted me to go with him and his mom to Portuguese school. How could I say no? When we got there I heard Milo tell all his friends that I had slept over. Their facial expressions were painted with the colour of disinterest but I could tell deep down inside they were jealous……… :S
Without the freedom that comes from being single I might have missed out on this family enriching moment and ego boosting weekend.
Authors Note: While I loved the events that happened this weekend I was just kidding about how great it is to be single. I would give up all the freedom that comes from being unattached in a heartbeat for a woman with all her teeth and a tone of daddy issues. Just kidding obviously………she doesn’t need all her teeth.
I might not have any nieces or nephews but I still think I rock when it comes to taking care of my cousin’s kids. Who else would play “just the foot pedal” so that the kids can rock out?
Everything seems to be “easy to find” these days. The interweb has made getting information, directions, recipes, news, scores, available singles, items for sale, opinions, religion, entertainment and so much more as simple as typing a few words into a browser on our computers or smart phones. (Yes I realize that I left out porn when I listed the various things one can find on the internet. On the off chance my mother figures out how to master the VCR in the next little while and decides she wants to conquer the internet I want her to be able to read this and still think I’m perfect.)
It’s never been easier to find what we want, get what we want and get it fast. Obviously I’m not breaking any new intellectual ground by stating that our culture is obsessed with instant gratification. What I want to write about today is what gives us gratification? What makes us happy? I’m not trying to be deep or answer any “what’s the meaning of life?” shit. On a very micro scale I’m asking what types of activities, food, music, movies/TV or anything else give you a Serotonin and Dopamine dump? Since I think you’re all creepy and weird I have no idea what does it for you, but here’s a short list of what does it for me.
1. I put a lot of meat in my mouth. More specifically I grab some eats from Hintonburger. For those who have never had a Hintonburger you have no idea what you’re missing. It’s an independent old school burger shop that buys all it’s ingredients local. Soooo good!
2. Music soothes the savage beast. Like lots of people music is a great escape for me. I love popping on the headphones, closing my eyes and forgetting where I am for a while. Old school Motown, Stevie Wonder, Lionel Ritchie are my favorites for letting lose.
3. White men can’t jump but it doesn’t matter. A lot people say working out makes them feel better or that yoga is a great stress release. For me the best type of recreational activity to change my sad sack into a glad bag is shooting some hoops, preferably by my self so no one can see how awful I am. I have to finish off each session by hitting two 3 pointers in a row. Needless to say sometimes I’m out there for a very long time .
4. Lights, Cameras, Action. After a bad day at work or a loss by my Fighting Irish I often don’t want to be around people. Not because I don’t like people but more so because I want to save them the anguish of hanging out with me when I’m going to be a sour c*nt. On those nights I like to distance myself from others and watch a good movie. Now different movies conjure up different emotions; since I’m taking about getting happy quickly I’ll just mention the top three smile makers for me. First one is Dumb and Dumber. It’s impossible not to laugh and feel better about yourself after watching this movie. The second is King Pin. I roar at every Bill Murray line and don’t get me started on the scene where Woody Harrelson has to “pay” his landlady. The Third is Home Alone 2. It’s not so much the movie that makes me happy as much as the memories associated with watching that movie at my Grandmother’s house that bring me joy. It was one of only two non “Jesus” movies (the other being Titanic) that she had so it always ended up being played when me and my cousins were there. I used to be able to recite the whole movie from start to finish.
5. Youtube Gold. Youtube is to watching movies what 5 hour energy is to coffee. There are way to many clips to mention so like I did with movies I’ll mention my top 3. First is this clip entitled “Epidemic of gold digging whores” by Bill Burr. I know it’s a comedy routine and Bill doesn’t mean it, but the genius and balls it took to put together that string of thoughts is amazing to me.
The next one is a clip from a FOXNews show. The panel was debating whether a DJ team should be fired because someone on their show made a joke about rape. The comedian on the show is Patrice O’Neil, by far the funniest comedian in my opinion of the last 20 years. The lady is from a feminist group called NOW. The reason this makes me laugh is not the subject matter but the reality of what happens during the interview. This lady left her home in the morning, got ready for a debate on national TV, organized all her arguments about how a rape joke is not funny…….and Patrice makes her laugh…at a rape joke.
The last is a clip from Richard Simon’s appearance on the show “Who’s line is it anyway?” The clip speaks for itself.
Really can’t believe I’m about to say this but……Football isn’t that important. Actually let me rephrase that, the outcomes of football games aren’t that important. My happiness on a 7 day basis used to depend on whether or not the Vikings and Irish won their respective games. I mean I used to really be a sour cunt if either or both of them lost. It wasn’t a smart or healthy way to live and it was really unfair to those who cared about me and could handle being around me. I’ve realized lately that even when my teams win the positive affects on demeanor pail in comparison to the negative. That being said this post is my way of saying I’m going to try and a little prospective when it comes to weekends in the fall. I’m going to try and realize that it’s ok to PVR a game and watch it later if it means I can partake and be a member of this thing we call society. I’m not going to frown all throgh supper at my folks because the Vikings couldn’t beat the terrible Cowboys. Easier said than done but here’s hoping
I found this while I was surfing the net this morning. I think this is a great product and hope it spreads to throughout most youth football programs. With the spotlight burning brighter than ever on player safety and concussions making sure the safety measures and equipment are used properly should be a top priority. I’d love to see more done in the advancement of neck roll technology. Stabilizing the head after a big hit is just as important protecting the head during initial contact. It’s scary to see how many concussions occur from hits to the body and not the head.
Michigan……Wolverines……The Big House……..Hail to the Victors……..Alonzo Stagg ……All those words I just typed give me the creeps. They make my skin crawl. They make my Lucky Charms taste stale. It’s hard to put into words how much I hate Michigan. Nothing in sports brings me more joy than a Notre Dame victory over Michigan and nothing crushes my soul quiet like a loss to the Wolverines. The days leading up to an ND vs Michigan match up are usually tense ones. Lots of shit talk between myself and Skunk-bear fans I know. I usually drive myself crazy thinking about every detail of the up coming game and worrying about some aspect that ESPN has told me will be the reason the Irish will fail. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing but this year I’m relatively calm.
Michigan’s answer to Notre Dame since Greg Mattison been running the defence there has been to bring pressure and try to get away with a lot of man to man on the back end. I think that plays right into our strength as an offence. Tommy Cool decimated Temple when they lined up in man to man. He also did the same thing to Michigan two years ago in the Big House. Was it not for a monumental collapse by the defence we would have walked away with a win in 2011. Also I’m not really worried about the somewhat average showing our defence had last Saturday. There was more than a few times it looked like ND had time to mix it up when Temple changed plays at the line but didn’t. It didn’t strike me as weakness as much as it looked like ND was trying to keep things as vanilla as possible and not tip their hats as to what we are capable of. I really hope I’m right and the 100000+ at the Big House leave sad on Saturday night.
What do you guys think will happen?